looking back...and ahead

I absolutely LOVE reading over my old journals—or just flipping back to the beginning of the one I’m writing in now. Tonight I flipped back to the beginning of the summer. I’d written a lot about my frustrations and anger with God and questioning going to New Orleans. Some excerpts:

“God, I don’t understand why you put me at Fox. I just don’t understand. Some of the people I’ve met there are so great. My roommate, I couldn’t have asked for a better one. And some of the other girls were great too. But a lot of times I feel like everyone is living so safely. I love to push boundaries. I hate being roped in or stereotyped. I like doing my own thing and going against the grain. It seems like that just doesn’t happen at Fox… I feel like you’re leading me down this crazy path that could go in a million ways. I feel compelled to go and work with kids and teenagers—not sit in classes that, when it comes down to it, have nothing to do with real teaching. God, is this really the plan you have for me right now? If it was, would I be feeling this way?”

“I also turned in my application for the New Orleans trip yesterday. To be honest, I have no idea whether I’m going or not. I know I haven’t spent enough time prayerfully considering it…but I did feel the push to at least turn in the application. This was the first application I was weary about…and I took the longest to fill it out completely. Going to Louisiana would be an amazing experience. I can see myself ending up in the south. Yeah. Right now, it’s just all in the Lord’s hands. I know he will use whatever the outcome is for good because he promises that to us in his word. I’m really curious to know who else has applied for the trip. No one I know so far has even given a second glance at the application…so it’s going to be really interesting. Again…I’m trusting in the Lord to pull through here and I know he will. For me, getting back into church and “the God thing” has been weird. I really wasn’t feeling it at all at school. Maybe because people put me…and I put me…in that “bad girl” role. But I’m getting back into it in a different way than I’ve ever experienced God before. What our campus pastor said to my Christian foundations class…about getting away from being the “perfect Christian” to letting the spirit woo her back, that really hit me. I’m really hard and critical of myself when it comes to being a “good Christian”, so backing away from that and allowing myself to be wooed is kind of a new experience…and one that I find myself enjoying much more. It may not be normal for Christians to do that. I really don’t know. But I do know that it’s working for me. I can see God working in my life again and it’s a nice feeling. It’s kind of like those spoof MAC commercials Aaron was showing me. To be a Christian doesn’t mean wearing our Sunday best to attend church, or memorizing the whole bible, or buying into every new Christian fad. We can wear jeans and attend Saturday night service. It’s not about checking things off on the perfection list. It’s about loving God, and letting him love you back. After writing this, I’m starting to realize how much I’m excited for this summer—to see God’s work in my life and everything that is to come. Sounds corny…I know.”

“I now know that I’m definitely going on the New Orleans trip. YAY! To be honest, I feel like God really is pushing me to go. I’ve always been interested in the south and so I’m really looking forward to taking in that part of the country. I’m also looking forward to helping people—especially kids. AND…there’s always the God aspect of the trip. Feeling so pushed by Him makes me think that something incredible is going to be learned by me throughout the course of the whole thing. I’m really looking forward to it. Yeah, it’s going to be difficult to come up with money for that, my trip to Kansas, and $$ to pay off my freshman year college loan, but I’m definitely confident that God wants me to do all these things this summer. And how can you say no to God? Honestly.”

“God is a good thing to talk about. I can definitely see his hand in my life lately. I wasn’t going to apply for New Orleans, but it just kept coming to the front of my mind. Now, I’m more than excited about going. I’m way, way past excited! He knew I needed to be there. It’ll be an adventure…and one that I am really looking forward to.”


Isn’t it interesting how things make a lot more sense after the fact…when you’re looking back at it all? I love that. I leave for my last semester at Fox on Saturday. I’ve been dreading going back all summer—but when I think about it now, it’s more like a chance to take it all in for just a little bit longer before I have to say goodbye. I’ve met some great people there and have developed some really meaningful relationships both at school and at the teen center I work at. Truthfully, those will be the hardest things to leave—albeit just in the physical (wahoo for letters, the telephone, and the internet!) As Saturday gets closer, joy rather than anxiety, is what’s increasing.

On a sillier note, my down comforter is ripped. Therefore, there are white feathers flying around in my room. I have to laugh about it because it reminds me of the scenes at the beginning and ending of Forest Gump (probably one of the best movies ever)…and well…that just makes me smile. ☺